My Contribution

Every once in a while (okay, it's actually much more often than that), I stumble upon a source of inspiration that seems like it was made just for me to find.  And I have to admit, I love that.  I love finding things that speak to me, that get me thinking, push me out of my comfort zone or remind me to return to a more intentional life.

The Art of Meeting Your Own Needs

Okay, so I started a 12-day cycle of medication last week to help ease my aching joints, and one thing my rheumatologist said has stuck in my head ever since: one side effect is that you will likely be crazy when you are on it. like crazy, crazy.  Um, okay.  Not the worst side effect I can think of, but certainly a mysterious and somewhat creepy one, if I'm honest.  But okay, I can handle this.  It's only 12 days.  Right?

Well, as far as I can tell, I haven't become crazy yet (or not any crazier than usual, ha!) and I am 7 days in, so that must be a positive sign.  What it has led me to do is get all up in my head in a different way.  A way that is related to my needs, or how to go about meeting them, to be more exact.

Over the years I have really honed in on exactly what it is that I need to be happy.  Body, mind, and spirit.  And though they are relatively easy-ish things to accomplish and incorporate into my daily life, they don't always happen.  Far less often than I care to admit actually. (anyone else?)

Is it Resolution Time, Yet?

It's easy this time of year to get caught up in the excitement of the holiday season, twinkly lights and all, but few really think about the new year until after the Christmas hubbub settles down.  That's where those resolutions start sprouting, promising to be better at fill-in-the-blank.  For me, I find my thoughts most days drifting to the new year and how I can achieve my lifelong dreams, along with those day-to-day struggles we all seem to have.  Big and small, resolutions are a way to refocus our attention on things that really matter.  

I have heard a few interesting quotes lately, both coincidentally by Mark Twain, that seem particularly fitting to my mindset these days.  The first because I find myself worrying about the outcome of decisions that I am weighing.

What Month Is It?!

Between both the greeting card timescale and that of a part-time freelance writer, I find it especially difficult to keep track of what month we are actually living in!  Greeting cards need creating at least two seasons before they are due to hit the shelves (often even sooner!), and freelance writing can often require planning for a particular season.

While this certainly keeps things interesting, it can also be hard to stop, take a step back, and appreciate this moment.  Once upon a time, I was a planner through and through.  Now, I am much more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal.  The only conclusion I can think of is that the ways of my free-spirited husband have slowly rubbed off on me.  And if not, well, I'm blaming him anyway.  

I have, however, been trying to focus on living in the moment a bit more lately.  Moments where I am not thinking about what in the world I am doing with my life, the direction I want to take in my career, or whether I am saving enough for retirement.  So basically all of the boring adult responsibility type things.

This reflection may have been inspired by the life gurus we have seen speak over the past few months (including Sonia Choquette, Wayne Dyer, & Deepak Chopra), so I can't exactly take all the credit for this burst of inspiration.  

Here are some ways I am doing my best to live in the moment as of late.

The addition of this antique wooden crate/night stand, because it's just what my bright corner of the room needed!

DIY, because it soothes my soul... (big reveal coming soon - eek!)

A little picture frame makeover, because our bedroom walls are still bare... (this is the before)

These mirrors because craigslist finds make me happy!

This little reminder of Thailand, because I left a piece of my heart there, and because we finally put something (anything!) on our bedroom walls! (side stage right: another craigslist find from a few months ago, painted with my trusty chalk paint, of course!)

Cross country skiing, because we were excited about the arrival of snow! (though the same cannot be said for the freezing temperatures that followed!)

The beautiful Fall sunsets we get here in Colorado, because they really know how to brighten up a tough rush hour commute.

I love to sit and think about all of the little things I am appreciating at the moment.  It always brightens my mood.  Looking forward to holiday travels, seeing friends and loved ones (not mutually exclusive), and getting out of our daily routines at home.  Because you know we love to shake things up around here!

As I teased above, I should be posting a big DIY project (along with a mini one!) sometime after Thanksgiving.  So basically whenever I can physically finish everything!  I can't wait to show you!

And last but not least... who has decorated for Christmas already?  Am I crazy because I want to do it this weekend?!  Prepare for Christmas overload here on the blog in the weeks ahead.  The music has already begun!

Highly Sensitive People - According to Sarah, part one

{ Disclaimer: This is a post that I have been writing (and rewriting, and rewriting) for several months.  It is both intimidating and overwhelming to even consider pressing the publish button on such a personal post, but  I did make a vow to be open and honest on here, so... here goes nothing. Allow me to explain... }

Last year, I came across some research by a woman named Dr. Elaine Aron about what she calls Highly Sensitive People.  It caught my eye, as I have been known to be a bit sensitive in the traditional sense of the word.  I had no idea, however, just how much her research on HSPs would move me.  It is not just referring to someone who gets their feelings hurt easily.  It is how and why the world overwhelms these people that identify as HSP: because they have a much more sensitive nervous system.

The reason this is so intimidating to write about, is because I relate so much to it, but also because I worry I won't do it justice.  I am not a psychologist, researcher, or expert in any sense of the word.  I simply feel that this personality trait describes me better than I have ever been able to describe myself.  

So rather than trying to speak scientifically about Highly Sensitive People, I intend to talk about how and why I relate to this trait.  I also worry that everything I do will now be attributed to this trait and while I do relate to it on many levels, not all of it applies to me.  And it certainly doesn't mean that everything I do is because I, myself, am an HSP.  Yep, you heard right.  My good friend, fear, is holding me back from speaking more openly about this.  I am hoping that this post (and any more to come in the future) will generate positive discussions and compassion towards people that might appear to communicate, handle situations, or just generally act different to you.  Not just HSPs, but people in general.  For surely there are others out there who may not identify as an HSP, but as having another personality trait that impacts the way they move about in the world.

It has certainly done this to me.  I am much more aware of how kind and compassionate I am to both myself and others.  I can better understand the fact that not everyone thinks, acts, eats, drives, or communicates in the exact same way as me.  And that's okay.  It's more than okay, it's what makes this beautiful little world of ours so great.

So, just what does it mean to be a highly sensitive person?  Gosh, I won't even pretend that I can explain this as well as Dr. Aron, but what I can do, is tell you is how this trait affects me.  How does that sound? 

If I had to say, in one sentence, the best way to describe how this trait affects me, is to say that because I tend to be much more aware of my surroundings, and I take everything in, I can feel easily overwhelmed by the world.  When I say overwhelmed, what I mean is that I get overstimulated.  I don't only notice the general things in a situation, I also observe every small little detail about my surroundings or situation without even realizing that I am doing it.  Until recently, I thought that everyone did this. That I was normal in picking up on all of these seemingly insignificant details.  Turns out, that might not be the case after all.

I understand that this might sound silly, but it's important to note that having these heightened senses doesn't mean that you don't enjoy being out in the world.  In my situation, it is quite the opposite.  I love socializing, trying new things, and visiting new places.  All of which, quite often lead to over-stimulating my brain.  So as long as I have downtime after these intense (to me) situations, I'm golden.

Now, along with that over-stimulation, comes other side effects.  HSPs typically tend to feel more, and feel more deeply than your average person.  This is where the sensitive part is exactly what you would expect it to be.  I don't know if it is a result of the over-stimulation that makes us more sensitive to situations and people, or if it is its own unique part of this trait, but I will say that over the years I have been put into the box of being too sensitive more times than I can count.  And while I have always wished that I could grow thicker skin to hide this sensitivity, I now understand it in a way that makes me proud of my sensitivity.  Like its own little badge of honor.  It's who I am, it helps me have compassion for others, it allows me to truly feel my emotions, and, of course, to cry at work.  That last one I am not super proud of, and can honestly fill an entire post about HSPs in the workplace (or at least my own experience as an HSP in the workplace), but I will leave that for another chapter day.  

{ stolen from hubs... }

As much as I fear that I will be put into a certain box for being open about this trait of mine, I also have hope. Hope that if I can help even one other person to better understand themselves, that this public declaration and moment of (insane?) honesty will have been worth it.

So I will leave it there for today, allow it to percolate, restrain myself from going back and deleting the entire post before more people see it, and return with a follow up post in the coming weeks about my life with this unique (and totally awesome) trait.

If you are interested, I highly recommend Dr. Aron's book (she has many!), called The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.  Even if you don't think that you relate to this trait, it might help you understand a friend or loved one in your life that does.  

Wonder if you, too, may relate to this trait?  Take the self-test on Elaine Aron's site.  And visit here and here for even more information.  There is another test for HSPs that are also sensation seekers, which I suspect I just might be.  More on that to come!

Okay, that's all.  Oh, and please be gentle in your comments...

30-Day Challenge: Bikram Yoga - Update 5

Well the past several days have been interesting.  They always say that strange things can "come up" in your yoga practice and that was definitely the case for me this week.  These things can be anything from emotional to physical feelings.  

For me, it was physical.  Whether it was related to my practice remains to be seen, but I had some pretty unusual and painful pain in my abdomen on Wednesday.  So much so that, despite attempts to push through, I ended up not doing half of the postures.  I was quite upset, but after chatting with the teacher, I felt much better.  She explained that yoga is a practice.  Your body is different every day, and that means that every day each posture is different.  Some days your balance is rock solid, other days you can't keep balanced in a posture to save your life.  She told me on Wednesday that today my practice was doing the postures that I could.  My body just wasn't allowing the rest.  She insisted that the day still counted towards my thirty classes.  Relief!

The next five postures in the series.

17.  Salabhasana  (Locust Posture)

Strengthens the upper spine and can relieve tennis elbow.  It can also help with varicose veins in the legs. This posture is slightly difficult for me as you lay on top of your arms (palms down), and my elbow has given me a bit of grief since I broke it a few years ago.  But it does feel really good to get all of the congestion out of your arms.  We spend so much of our day with bent arms - at our desks, driving, etc. - and this helps to counteract that.

18.  Poorna-Salabhasana  (Full Locust Posture)
Increases strength in the middle of the spine. This posture opens up the rib cage and increases elasticity, while firming abdominal muscles, upper arms, hips and thighs.

19.  Dhanurasana  (Bow Posture)

This posture is a bit of a doozy.  It opens the rib cage, allowing the lungs to expand fully.  It is a 360-degree flexion of the spine, revitalizing all of the spinal nerves by increasing circulation and strengthening the entire spine.  Bow aids in digestion, combats bronchitis and diabetes while improving the functioning of the large and small intestines, liver, kidneys and spleen.

20.  Supta-Vajrasana  (Fixed Firm Posture)

This posture strengthens and improves flexibility of the lower spine, hips, knees and ankle joints.  It increases circulation to the lower limbs, is therapeutic for lower back pain, sciatica, rheumatism and varicose veins.  It also helps to prevent hernia.  Yet another that is slightly challenging on my poor knee, but I am noticing small improvement in this posture with regular practice.

21.  Ardha-Kurmasana  (Half Tortoise Posture)

This posture can actually help us live longer.  It is great for tense necks and shoulders, it increases blood flow to the brain, enhances memory and improves mental clarity.  It also stretches the lower part of the lungs and can counter indigestion, etc.  They say this posture also helps balance sleep/wake cycles for those who struggle with insomnia.  

I have reached single digits in the countdown of my challenge!  It feels like such a big accomplishment!  I am off to my 22nd class this afternoon!  So after today, I have 8 classes left to complete in 7 days!  

30-Day Challenge: Bikram Yoga - Update 4

Phew!  This morning I completed my 16th class, and let me tell you I am super sore!  Friday I seemed to hit a bit of a wall, and ever since I have been really stiff, sore and lacking the motivation I found in the first two weeks.  

I am, however, battling on.  Not to worry. :)

I have also been experiencing a bit of knee pain the past few days.  I may have been going a bit too far into a few of the postures without realizing it.  So today, I held back a little bit from any postures that involve the knees in an effort to prevent compromising my knees.  

It felt really good reaching the 50% mark yesterday.  It feels like a great milestone to reach at just the right time.  Knowing I have less days ahead of me than behind me, has inspired me once again to push forward with the challenge.

And now, as promised... four more postures.

13.  Savasana  (Dead Body Posture)

Dead Body Pose facilitates powerful blood flow, then lets circulation return to normal, creating internal cleansing and greatly magnifying the benefits of the postures that precede it.  We begin to learn relaxation in this posture.

14.  Pavanamuktasana  (Wind-removing posture)

Wind-Removing Pose compresses and massages the ascending colon and descending colon.

It also messages the transverse colon and compresses the entire digestive system.  It strengthens the arms, prevents flatulence, improves hip flexibility, and firms the abdomen and thighs.

15.  Pada-Hasthasana  (Sit-up Posture)

stretches the spine and increases flexibility, as does Half Moon.  Both poses firm and trim the lower body, where many problem areas, especially for women, reside.  It also works the muscles, ligaments and tendons of the legs and improves circulation there as well.

16.  Bhujangasana  (Cobra Posture)

Cobra Pose strengthens the lumber spine, relieving pain and combating slipped or herniated discs, scoliosis and arthritis in that region.  Other important benefits include improved digestion, relief from menstrual disorders, improved appetite, and raising low blood pressure.  Cobra Pose also improves the functioning of the liver and spleen.

Thanks for all the love on Facebook, it is keeping me going!  Here we go with another week!

I Hear You, Universe

Do you ever feel like sometimes the Universe is sending you a message?  I love it when things come into your life at just the right time.  Through life's ups and downs, I am finding myself seeking out all things positive to keep me facing the sunshine rather than the darkness.  This has led to me devouring any and all information that I think will help me in my quest to do just that, but also to better understand myself (more on that in a separate post next week!).  

Last night on the way home from my second yoga class of the day, I set my itunes library to shuffle and set off towards home.  The first song that came on, was a song by Kris Allen from a few years ago, titled Live Like We're Dying.  I have always loved it, but it was just the reminder I needed to hear last night.   Such true and powerful lyrics.  Even if you know the song, have another listen.  Maybe it will ring true for you, too.

The second song that came on, was one that I found via my favorite morning radio show.  One of the hosts of the show, Amy, has been open about her Mom's struggles with cancer diagnoses over the past few years. Her mom, Judy, has chosen to "choose joy" through her battle with cancer, even in the darkest of times.  She focuses instead, on brightening the days of other patients at the hospital and just keeps her focus on the positive with her situation.  Amy decided that her mom needed to start a twitter account, and searched for ages trying to find a suitable name.  @ChooseJoyJudy, etc. were all already taken, so she finally settled on: @JudyBePimpinJoy.  Ha!  Seems silly, but it really embodies Judy's outlook, and she seems to be enjoying the new (to her) world of Twitter.  So the morning show decided to do a "choose joy" (or "pimpin' joy") week in her honor.  It was all about getting listeners to do kind things for strangers, and it was AMAZING how many wonderful things were done during that week.  

A dedicated listener of the show, wrote and recorded a "Pimpin' Joy" song for the week (it's available on iTunes, and all proceeds go to the St. Jude's Children's hospital!  Go download it!).  Such a fun and uplifting song.  And another great reminder of what is truly important.  Here is the music video they made from the song.

The third (and final!) song that came on before I started to repeat these three songs over and over the entire commute home, was Loving You Tonight by Andrew Allen.  Such an uplifting song, and one that I connect with so much.  I am always excited to get home to see Chris and share my day with him.  After this week's post about my gratitude for having him in my life, it only served as an even bigger reminder to me.  Have a listen...

I guess what I am trying to say is, I too am choosing joy.  Yeah, I hear you, Universe.  Loud and clear.

I Need a 30-Day Challenge in My Life

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like I need to challenge myself to push through the not-so-good times.  For some reason, I just haven't been myself lately.  I honestly told Chris last night that the only way I can describe it is that I feel like an alien has taken over my mind and body.  Sounds silly, but I honestly have struggled to get back to feeling like myself.  I know that there is one thing that is likely to help above all others, but when I am not feeling so great, I struggle to make it a routine in my week.

What is it, you ask?  Exercise.  

Since I am limited (still) on what I can do, physically, I am turning back to Bikram yoga for this challenge. Starting Sunday (because we have friends in town this weekend), 30 Bikram yoga classes in 30 days.  It might seem extreme, but it is very doable and I feel like I need a reason to get up and go every day.  And a challenge to tell myself that I can commit and follow through.  You see, I often give up on things when I lose motivation, and that is a difficult habit to break.  So, I am telling you this so that you can help keep me accountable!  I will post an update on my progress twice a week, and be honest about if I have missed any days (though that is allowed, if I double up and do two classes another day - eek!).  

So here we go.  Sunday March 9th through Monday April 7th. Complete 30 classes.

Wish me luck!

Seeking Mindfulness

Most people, upon hearing that I am about to turn thirty, jump to the same question: when are you going to have kids?  It's a perfectly logical question, I suppose, but truth be told it is one I often struggle with.  Hear me out.

You may call me a daydreamer, but I often fantasize about traveling to remote places of the world and helping those in need.  Or living somewhere very culturally different to the West for a year or two.  And let's not forget about my ongoing need to realize my true passions in life and fulfill my own potential.  

Why can't you do those things at the same time as starting a family, you ask?  (It's okay, I ask myself this question, too.)  The truth is, I am not sure how to balance these priorities in my life.  And they really are all priorities.  I may not need to move halfway around the world, but I do need to feel like I am making a difference.  Like I am not falling into the life that is expected of me, but instead, that I am creating the life that I want to lead.  How do I balance finding inner peace-of-mind, gratitude and life balance, while surrounded by faster, better, more, more, more, here in the west?  And if we do start a family, how do I impart these important things on a little one?

We read so many books, watch so many documentaries, and can recount all kinds of a-friend-of-a-friend stories about people who move to India and return a changed person.  A more centered, grateful and happy person. Which I suppose is part of the appeal.  But how then do we manage to make these necessary changes without an intercontinental move?  I think immersion in this case, as in so many others, is very important and helpful in achieving your goals of inner piece and mindfulness. 

And therein lies my struggle to find this without disrupting my life, along with many other goals that I have.  I dream of using my creativity to impact the lives of others, and often brainstorm ways to combine my two passions, both in a way that is true to who I am, yet unique to me and only me.

My solution will be a work in progress and will likely (hopefully!) evolve over time, but I have a few action items that I plan on taking to get me started.

The first priority must be focusing a bit more time and effort into meditation.  It may not be meditation in a small tribe of Monks, but rather an old stone building in downtown Denver, however the concept remains the same.  Clear away the clutter and achieve the ability to calm my own mind.  I think this small step is the most important, as it is so much easier to tackle difficult challenges when you can control the thoughts and noise of your own mind.  So for me, that means attending regular meditation sessions until I am able to achieve successful meditation at home, or anywhere, on my own.

Priority number two is one that I have already made some progress on, at least in terms of research.  I may not know how to combine my own caged creativity with giving back to the community just yet, but that doesn't mean I can't start giving back a bit more.  After a lot of research over the past few months, I have found a nonprofit organization that feels like a good fit for me to start volunteering my time with.  It requires a minimum of 2 days a month, which should be very easy to begin incorporating into my schedule of work and play.  Hopefully it will grow from there.

And my final priority to get me started down this path, is making my friendships a more vital part of my life. Having moved around the country a fair bit over the last ten years has meant that my friendships are also scattered around the country.  I plan on nurturing those existing friendships a bit more, and focusing on creating a more stable network of friends locally in an effort to feel more settled and happy here in Colorado.

I hope to continue adding to this list, as I progress through this journey, and I'm sure I will learn a lot along the way.  One thing that I find extremely important when it comes to all of these things, is believing that I am enough.  I heard this quote from a motivational speaker recently, and realized that I fall victim to this more often than I realize.  So just a little reminder to myself every day, that I am enough.  Simple, yet powerful.

Do you think it's possible to master the art of mindfulness while living in the chaotic West?  I do, too.  With a little patience and a lot of effort.  Who's with me?  :)

Age is Just a Number

Do you ever stop to think about your gifts and talents?  No?  Ha!  Well, I do.  Or lack thereof as the case may be.  Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into one of those sappy posts full of self deprecation.  Well, maybe just a little.

My doubts about my own abilities is not meant as a pity party, but rather the sad fact that I don't feel truly gifted or talented at anything.  I am okay at many things, and that's cool, but is it enough?  And if not, how can I change that... or can I?

I lived a large part of my life being afraid to try new things.  If it wasn't something under my "safe umbrella," that I knew I would be good at, I would shy away from even trying it.  Silly, right?  How do you know you won't be good at it, if you won't even allow yourself to chance to try it?  Believe me, the rational part of my brain questions this on a regular basis.

My point in all of this, being that I might secretly have talents among hidden, untried hobbies and activities that I have no idea I'm any good at.  So dramatic, I know.  But I think it's high time I start pushing myself outside of my comfort zone a bit more.

I try to test myself and put myself through uncomfortable situations from time to time, because I know that I am capable of handling the discomfort, and that I will likely end up feeling so. much. better. if only I give things a shot.  But I need to do more of this.

Fear is a paralyzing emotion that can hold us back from living the life we wish to lead.  Simply because we are afraid to try.  Afraid to reach for our dreams, for fear of rejection.  Afraid to try out new hobbies, for fear that we won't be any good at them.  This is a big struggle for me, as I am not naturally a spread-my-wings-and-soar kind of girl.  I have to first analyze the danger, the pros and cons, and come up with a plan. Oh goodness, do I love to plan.

Sigh.

This post began as a post about my thirties, and I suppose it still is (can be).  This is something that I want to take with me as I enter my thirties in just a few short weeks.  Letting go, and pushing myself more.  Squeeze all that I can out of life.  No regrets.

Okay, stepping down from my soapbox now.  And here is the post that I had written and ready to post today...

{ Love this list of 30 things to do before you die (thanks for sharing, Aunt Jill!) }

As my thirtieth birthday approaches, I have been reflecting quite a lot.  Reflecting about my twenties and all that I have learned over the course of the last decade.  And thinking about the future, excited for what my thirties will bring.  I have never been one that is afraid of getting older, as I am always amazed at the progress and change that I go through each and every time I celebrate another birthday.

This post started (the original time!) as a way to reflect on all of the things I have learned and ways that I have grown over the last ten years, but I stopped half way through and erased everything I had written. Why, you ask?  Because it felt a little preachy and, frankly, even a little trite.  Yes, I have learned quite a lot over the years, and am so proud of the person I have become today.  But I still have so much to learn.  I honestly hope that I never say "okay, I'm good, I'm done learning, I like who I am now" and have that be the end of my ever-evolving journey of myself.  There are still so many things that I try to work on every day, in an effort to overcome, defeat, accomplish.

To be perfectly honest, part of me wishes I could move to somewhere like India for 6 months and really just focus on more important things than we are constantly surrounded by here in the west.  Do yoga everyday, meditate while enjoying beautiful scenery, and focus on my own sense of purpose.  Sounds idyllic, right?  I literally suggested this to Chris last week.  And not for the first time.  It usually springs up during particularly stressful times in our lives.

Chris always used to tease me when I would have these moments of clarity about life, using what became a coined phrase between the two of us, "just wait until you turn thirty."  As though that age had some sort of magical powers for unlocking the secret to life.  And though it is something we still often joke about, in a weird way, it's true.  Not the exact age of thirty, of course, but the idea that as we get older and have more experiences, the better we understand things and more importantly, the greater perspective we have.  

{ A fun list of 30 Things to Avoid Before the Age of 30, courtesy of Buzzfeed. }

I express all of this excitement about entering my thirties and swallow it with a big grain of salt because I know that as my fortieth birthday approaches, I will likely look back on this post and think, "listen to me, I thought I had it all figured out then."  And to be perfectly honest, I truly hope that is the case.  I hope I can continue to evolve and grow and become an even better version of myself each and every time I celebrate turning another year older.

Especially that monster we refer to as Fear.  I'm coming for you, my friend.

Here I go, embarking onto another exciting decade of my life.  Bring on the life lessons and, as always, the adventures!

Who I Am

I have been thinking a lot lately about what has shaped me into the person that I am today.  I should start by pointing out that I am a very reflective person.  This helps in understanding which challenges and triumphs from my childhood have developed into things I am either happy or unhappy with in my adult self.  And that understanding helps spark the necessary change needed to grow.

For example, I grew up a very quiet and shy person.  In turn that meant that I was not very good at establishing new friendships.  Not for a lack of wanting, that's for sure, but simply because I wasn't confident enough to speak up and be myself.  And to be honest, to this day, this is still something that I work on.  I have come a long way, but I would say a good 50% of the time I still relate to that awkward, don't-know-what-to-say little girl more than I care to admit.

I think being a product of a divorce has a strong impact on any children involved.  No matter how good or bad the situation is handled.  With no one person to blame.  Every situation is different, of course, but my childhood had its ups and downs (whose didn't?!) following my parents divorce, leaving me with a certain amount of fear about speaking up.  How did I cope with this?  I really thought about everything before I said it, to make sure that it was the right thing to say and that it wouldn't upset or hurt anyone.  I am pretty sure a therapist would tell me that this played a significant role in my ability to feel comfortable speaking up and being myself with people I didn't know very well.  It also meant that thinking through what I was going to say before I said it, became automatic for me.  A habit.  And as we all know, habits are not easy to break.

Now, I could let that excuse, or reason, hold me back from trying to overcome this fear, or I can take responsibility for my adult self and actually try.  And that is what I have done.  Though I will not claim to be anywhere near perfect at it, I try.  I host group events and hikes, I have learned to make good conversation with strangers, and slowly but surely have built a small army (okay that's an exaggeration, but they are my army) of friends that I know I can count on.

I am not perfect.  I go through periods where I don't feel like putting myself through the discomfort of change.  Where maybe I even secretly wish that I didn't have to deal with 'insert issue here.'  But the truth is, if you don't put yourself in uncomfortable situations throughout your life, and never challenge and push yourself to be better, to do better, you aren't going to get a lot out of your life.  And while I have several things that I want to continue working on, to become a better, stronger person, I have to remind myself that in the long run, I am doing myself a favor.  In the long run, I will learn to appreciate the hardships I have faced and be so proud that I came out the other side okay.  No, more than okay, great!

Chris said something earlier this week as we were chatting about one of those issues that I am struggling to push through, and it really stuck with me.  He is always so good at listening and validating my feelings, and when we were wrapping up the conversation, and I was starting to feel better, he said, 'I know how you feel. Everyone has their things, this just happens to be one of yours.'  And it was such a great reminder, that although not everyone has this issue, everyone has their struggles and their wishes for things to be different. Reminders like that really help me keep things in perspective.  Especially to remember that many others have much worse things to deal with.  And it gives me just what I need, to continue pushing forward.

I think as writers, and that is what us bloggers are, writers, though not in the traditional sense of the word, we must make ourselves vulnerable and expose things about ourselves that we might otherwise keep private. That is what helps us stretch and grow, sometimes like a graceful ballerina, and other times like a baby giraffe, slowly becoming the person we want to be.

It also amazes me how therapeutic it is to write about my feelings.  For me, it is part of the growth process. It offers me the reflection and perspective that I crave when I feel lost in the maze of life.  I will try to work up the courage to share my current thing soon.  I would love to hear if you have struggled with the same, and how you worked through it.

Happy Wednesday!